Habits of Highly Effective Parenting - Fourth Habit
Habits of highly effective parenting is a helpful parenting program for all parents.
In this article, I will dwell upon the Fourth habit or rule or guideline that we need to bring into play if we desire to be an effective parent and of course, to ensure that our child grows up into a healthy and responsible human being.
The Fourth Effective Parenting Habit relates to the following aspect: Love must be unconditional or it is manipulation.
Unconditional love only affirms a human being and enables that person to grow.
If you like, you may consider this aspect to be the mother of all habits.
Nothing works and nothing will work in any relationship if it is based on give and take philosophy.
The give and take principle is ideal when it comes to fairness or when you are involved in a business transaction.
But the moment you bring this notion into play in your relationship with your child, you are asking for trouble.
Parenting is all about love.
It is all about unconditional love.
Unfortunately, we have forgotten this basic law in this equity based society where it has been grilled into our heads that we must not let anyone take us for a ride, we must learn to assert ourselves, and we must get what we deserve.
While it is a very valuable lesson for survival, it is crucial to remember that this very approach has made our society less tolerant, less trusting and most important, less and less Giving.
When does a relationship thrive? Which relationship survives and grows into a healthy and happy companionship? Definitely not, when the predominant notion is 50:50.
The notion that I will give 50 percent of my share and you give the other 50 percent.
I will take care of 50 percent of household work, earnings, taking care of the children, taking care of the parents, etc and you do the other 50 percent.
Even when it comes to offering my love, I will give 50 percent and you do the same.
In real life, in love life, 50:50 theory is destined to fail.
The only theory that works and will work is '100 percent from my side'.
When you love someone, you don't worry about how much you love and are getting in return.
When you are in love, all that matters is your love.
The satisfaction and happiness arises out of being in love, not in getting results or rewards for your love.
To clarify a bit more, assume that one partner is offering 51 percent and the other gives 49 percent.
Eventually, the first partner will bring down his share to 49 percent.
In reaction, this will lead the second partner to offer 47 percent.
And this tug of war will then continue.
And what will be the end result? Both will be bring down their share to zero percent.
This is what divorces are made up of.
If you are looking to be an effective parent, if you are seeking to bring about a shift in the behavior of your child, it happens only and only when the you are able to distinguish the self from the behavior of your child.
What is not appropriate is the child's behavior.
Not his self.
You love his self and that has no relationship to how the child behaves.
The love remains constant.
All that is sought to be corrected is the behavior.
And that is being asked of the child in his or her own interest.
Then it does not matter whether you apply the strategy of supporting and counselling or you take the strategy of directing and punishing.
The child will get it.
The child will eventually realize that it was the love that directed him/her to the appropriate path, the unconditional love.
And this will reaffirm the human dimension of the child and enable him to grow.
And finally, this brings us to the question: Should a child with performance or behavior problem need different strokes, different rules? Should they be held to different standards compared to a normal child? This will be covered in the fifth habit of highly effective parenting.
In this article, I will dwell upon the Fourth habit or rule or guideline that we need to bring into play if we desire to be an effective parent and of course, to ensure that our child grows up into a healthy and responsible human being.
The Fourth Effective Parenting Habit relates to the following aspect: Love must be unconditional or it is manipulation.
Unconditional love only affirms a human being and enables that person to grow.
If you like, you may consider this aspect to be the mother of all habits.
Nothing works and nothing will work in any relationship if it is based on give and take philosophy.
The give and take principle is ideal when it comes to fairness or when you are involved in a business transaction.
But the moment you bring this notion into play in your relationship with your child, you are asking for trouble.
Parenting is all about love.
It is all about unconditional love.
Unfortunately, we have forgotten this basic law in this equity based society where it has been grilled into our heads that we must not let anyone take us for a ride, we must learn to assert ourselves, and we must get what we deserve.
While it is a very valuable lesson for survival, it is crucial to remember that this very approach has made our society less tolerant, less trusting and most important, less and less Giving.
When does a relationship thrive? Which relationship survives and grows into a healthy and happy companionship? Definitely not, when the predominant notion is 50:50.
The notion that I will give 50 percent of my share and you give the other 50 percent.
I will take care of 50 percent of household work, earnings, taking care of the children, taking care of the parents, etc and you do the other 50 percent.
Even when it comes to offering my love, I will give 50 percent and you do the same.
In real life, in love life, 50:50 theory is destined to fail.
The only theory that works and will work is '100 percent from my side'.
When you love someone, you don't worry about how much you love and are getting in return.
When you are in love, all that matters is your love.
The satisfaction and happiness arises out of being in love, not in getting results or rewards for your love.
To clarify a bit more, assume that one partner is offering 51 percent and the other gives 49 percent.
Eventually, the first partner will bring down his share to 49 percent.
In reaction, this will lead the second partner to offer 47 percent.
And this tug of war will then continue.
And what will be the end result? Both will be bring down their share to zero percent.
This is what divorces are made up of.
If you are looking to be an effective parent, if you are seeking to bring about a shift in the behavior of your child, it happens only and only when the you are able to distinguish the self from the behavior of your child.
What is not appropriate is the child's behavior.
Not his self.
You love his self and that has no relationship to how the child behaves.
The love remains constant.
All that is sought to be corrected is the behavior.
And that is being asked of the child in his or her own interest.
Then it does not matter whether you apply the strategy of supporting and counselling or you take the strategy of directing and punishing.
The child will get it.
The child will eventually realize that it was the love that directed him/her to the appropriate path, the unconditional love.
And this will reaffirm the human dimension of the child and enable him to grow.
And finally, this brings us to the question: Should a child with performance or behavior problem need different strokes, different rules? Should they be held to different standards compared to a normal child? This will be covered in the fifth habit of highly effective parenting.
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