When a couple are in breaking up it can be difficult to decide what to tell the children.
One party may want to reconcile, one party may be clear in their mind that the relationship is well and truly over.
Guilt about the divorce can be evident.
The distress can make the aggrieved party want to lash out and hurt the other.
Involving the children can feel to be the most effective way of achieving that result.
But there are several ways to achieve a better, more beneficial long-term solution, one that help the children and both parents to reach a healthy and sustainable outcome and have a positive quality of life after the divorce.
- Tell the children about the divorce together.
It is better if both parents meet first to discuss and agree what the children need to know.
The facts are that mummy and daddy don't love each other but still love you, the children.
They aren't going to be living together any more but you can still see them and speak to the absentee parent as often as you want and need to.
Children want to know how the change will affect them.
Where they will live, and with whom, where will they go to school.
They rarely need to know any more than the facts as they appertain to them.
- Financial arrangements after the divorce can result in one parent having a lot less money to spend on luxuries and treats than the other.
Children are very wise.
They know how to get gifts and expensive holidays, trainers, mobile phones and computer games off a guilty parent.
But the other parent is often the one paying for the day-to-day expenses, food, school uniform, travel expenses, the things that largely remain unnoticed.
Being unable to afford lavish expensive presents can make the main parent feel inadequate and unable to compete.
Agreeing on a more fair split of expenditure on the children's daily expenses can provide a more even situation for both parents.
- Discipline can be a minefield.
One parent may have the children living with them for most of the time.
The parent with less frequent access often wants to give the children a fun time, but this can result in them returning to their main home unsettled and unmanageable for several days afterward.
Agreeing on a consistent time for bed, sugary treats, television and computer access can provide a more balanced routine in their lives.
- Criticising our ex can be tempting.
Revealing details of their unacceptable behaviour prior to the divorce can feel compelling, especially if the children are behaving badly, being awful to us and waxing lyrical about their lovely time with the other parent.
It is important to fight the temptation.
It is part of the job description for a child to be a monster at times.
Deep down they know the situation and don't need one parent to bad-mouth the other.
At the end of the day we are still Mum and Dad to them.
Their experience of their parents is different to our experience of our husband or wife.
Children are often wise little people.
They see far more than we often give them credit for.
They know how much the main care-giver tries to look after them well, they know how much that person struggles at times.
They see if the other parent tries to buy their love out of guilt.
Treating children fairly and being respectful of their right to be protected from too much distressing information about the divorce will enable them to move on and resume their lives in the most positive way.