*Repeat to yourself the underlined feeling words to make them part of your emotional vocabulary Parents and their children with ADHD are often surprised to learn that there is no absolute way to feel in a given situation.
For example, if two parents are watching their son struggle with the dreaded multiplication facts, the father might feel angry and frustrated because his son does not know his "nines" after seven days of studying.
The mother might feel worried and depleted because she is running out of ways to help and motivate him.
A person's feelings are valid and real.
Feelings Open Your Child's Eyes to the Shades of Gray of Feelings The lame parental statement "You are making me mad, so go to your room, now" can be expressed in graduating degrees of intensity.
For example, "You're chewing your food with your mouth open.
That's annoying.
" "I'm getting irritated to see you put so much food in your mouth that you can't close it to chew.
" "Whew, this is disgusting.
You spit on my arm! That's it.
Put down your fork, put your hands in your lap, and watch your dad and me use proper table manners for the next five minutes.
I'll set the timer.
" Your child will learn in this five minutes what you were unsuccessful in teaching him previously.
With this one incident, he will learn that you say what you mean, you give him fair and specific progressive warnings, you give him a chance to win again, and you are firm but have good intent to deliver your discipline.
At last, after those five minutes he will start viewing you with added respect.
Annoyed is a feeling word you can use often to show the graduating intensity of feelings from annoyed to irritated to frustrated to getting angry to angry to more angry.
Stuffing Feelings Leads to a Tantrum If your child feels something and does not have the words for it, he might stuff his feelings-fear, anxious, and rejected-rather than risk the embarrassment of appearing less than smart.
When he learns to name his feelings as he is having them, he will begin to understand the range of emotions between opposite feelings-happy and sad, successful and disappointed.
When he has the vocabulary to name something as abstract and fluid as feelings, he immediately feels relieved and in control of the situation.
How to Model Using Feeling Words Label your feelings at every opportunity.
For example, if your child is bugging you, say, "Son, right now I'm feeling pressured by you.
That's irritating me.
Please stop.
" If he does not stop, say, "I'll take two tokens now, one for not responding to my request and one for frustrating me.
If it continues, I'll take one token for each negative feeling I feel about you.
I promise that before I take one, I'll name the feeling.
" He will learn the graduating intensity of his parent's feelings from annoyed, irritated, frustrated, getting angry, angry, to more angry.
In this way, he will feel safe because you are not turning from "not mad" to "spitting mad" in three seconds and spanking him.
He will have time to process them and decide what he can do differently before you get to the angry stage.
This modeling will teach him to do the same.
For example, "JJ, I can see your wet towel was left in the hallway.
Please pick it up.
" Thirty seconds later, "JJ, I'm getting annoyed.
The wet towel on the floor is a safety hazard.
This is my first and last warning.
" Thirty seconds later, "JJ, I'm getting frustrated with this safety issue.
I'm slowly walking over to pick it up and earn myself a token.
" If he runs ahead of you, grabs the towel, and puts it in the hamper, say, "Shucks, I didn't get to earn a token from you, this time.
I'm glad you beat me to it, or I would have to get angry, for sure.
" Decorate your walls with this list of feeling words to remind you to use feeling words.
Careful What You Teach Parents who scream and yell to convey anger and frustration are teaching their children to scream and yell back at them.
Parents who say nothing when they are "not mad" and scream and yell when they are "spitting mad," are teaching their children the same rigid ways of expression.
For discipline, develop a "tell it like it is" monotone voice.
It is OK to raise your voice to be heard, but do not use mean-sounding or harsh tones.
Yelling does not solve anything.
It only stops communication.
Speak at a normal and understandable pace.
When you know what to say and what to do, you will not get angry as often.
Anger Shows Your Child That He is Getting To You He will love it.
Do not whine and sound exasperated; that is modeling negative behavior.
When he hears that tone of voice, he will think, "I won, again.
" Do not give him that power.
Here's What to Do If You Get Angry If you are angry, take ten deep breaths.
If you are still too angry to be calm, model self-control and say, "I'm too angry to deal with this.
I need some time to think about it so I'll be fair to you.
I'll return in ten minutes and we'll continue then.
" Or say, "We could use a cool drink.
" Your child can only learn self-control if he sees self-control.
If you leave the room without talking to him, he will think he is winning again.
Return in ten minutes to demonstrate your credibility and integrity and resolve the issue.
What You Can Expect When You Use Feeling Words Your child will act out less frequently when you talk about your feelings, act gently toward others, and manage your own emotions.
It might be awkward when you first incorporate feeling words in your daily vocabulary, but it is good modeling.
When your child talks and expresses feelings, he will talk more and act out less.
When you share genuine similar feelings, empathy will soon develop, and you and your child will reconnect emotionally.
You CAN do This