Overcoming The Fears In Adoption

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Few things in life fill your heart like the idea of bringing home a new child to love. But, few things fill you with such fear as adoption. Adoptive parents often experience distinct anxieties as they wait for their bundle of joy. Don’t get concerned if you’re struggling with the fear. This is normal and there are plenty of others having the same experience.

So, let’s address some common fears and hopefully bring some peace of mind.


I don't know how to talk to my child about his or her adoption!


As adopted children grow, they may experience feelings of grief and loss about their family, country, or culture of origin, regardless of how old they were when they were adopted and whether or not they have a memory of where they were born. Most often these feelings don't appear until age 7 or 8, when kids start using their "thinking brain," you'll find it much easier to talk about them if you've been open about the adoption from the very beginning.

Develop a family story, emphasizing that some people become part of a family through marriage, others through birth, and others through being adopted. As your child gets older, or if your child is older when you adopt, talk about the birth family and culture. Don’t avoid these conversations; be proactive. This will build esteem for your child and for you.

What if people in my community don’t accept our transracial family?


American families adopted 8,668 children from other countries in 2012, and the Child Welfare Information Gateway estimates that roughly 14 percent of all adoptions are transracial or trancultural.

Even if you live in what you believe to be an accepting family and community, be prepared to counteract prejudiced or racist questions or comments that your adopted child might experiences.

They are questions such as, "Where's the real parent?"

Whether a remark is racially motivated or coming out of ignorance, what's important is that your answer convey the message you want your child to hear.

Validate by saying, 'I'm the real parent -- you must mean his birth family." Seeing you take a stand and be proactive signals that you understand the gravity of what your child might be feeling, and helps your child develop a healthy esteem.

Spending time with people of the child's ethnic group helps instill a sense of belonging. Adoption agencies and the Child Welfare Information Gateway offer more ideas for honoring your child's birth culture.

Families with Children from China

Child Welfare Information Gateway

Will the child have special needs?


A report by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reported that 37 percent of adopted children had special health-care needs, compared with 17 percent of biological children. And while 16 to 20 percent of adopted children have learning disabilities, compared with 8 to 10 percent of children in the general population, that still leaves a vast majority who do not have special needs.

At the beginning of the adoption process, you'll be asked whether you're open to adopting a child with special needs. You can prepare yourself to answer this by researching what’s involved in caring for these children.

The Child Welfare Information Gateway offers links to financial assistance, including tax credits, for adopted children's health-care needs.

Child Welfare Information Gateway

US Department of Education

What if the birth parents change their mind?


If you've been chosen by a birth mother to adopt the baby she's expecting, you may worry that she'll have a change of heart. While this isn't common, it can happen. The best way to avoid heartbreak is to work with a reputable adoption agency. Also, the agency may encourage the birth parents to take advantage of pre-adoption counseling. If birth families are exploring their feelings and given the opportunity to express them, there's a smaller chance of surprises later. Another advantage of pre-adoption counseling is you'll have the resources you need at the ready if the birth mother does choose a different path.

Impact of Adoption on Adoptive Parents

How do I find the right professional if I need help?


If you decide that anyone in your family needs help coping with fears or other emotions about the adoption, contact your adoption agency. Your agency should have counselors on staff and, if necessary, can recommend additional professionals such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker who are experienced in adoption issues.

Check out this Child Welfare fact sheet for more info on finding the professional who is right for you.

Child Welfare fact sheet
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