This is still, probably, the most common figure given out to patients. The total cholesterol level is reached by adding together levels of the 'evil' LDL, plus the 'saintly' HDL, plus a few other wayward lipoproteins - IDL and suchlike - that get mixed up in the analysis. (You think that cholesterol level is a super-accurate measurement? Ho, ho.) The average total cholesterol level in the UK is about 6.1, expressed as mmol/l (millimoles per litre).

Anything above 7mmol/l and your GP will send for the local priest to read out the last rites. At present, the figure that the health care profession aims to achieve, through statination, is about S.Ommol/l. Oh we do like a nice round figure, it is so neat and tidy and scientific - not. 'Good' cholesterol.

This is the high density lipoprotein level (HDL), which normally sits at about 1.3mmol/l. Anything below O.9mmolll and your life-insurance company will cancel your subscription, then paint a little black spot in the middle of your palm for good luck. Above 2.0mmol/l, and you can get the Saga booklets out and look forward to a long and happy career in lawn-green bowling.

'Bad' cholesterol level This is the low density lipoprotein (LOL) level. On average, this is about 3.5mmol/l. Anything above 4mmol/l and you will be statinated. Resistance is useless. The ratio of good to bad cholesterol Clearly, if HDL is good and LDL is bad, you could have a high total cholesterol level yet still be 'healthy: If, that is, your total cholesterol level is boosted by a high HDL. So some people think that what is really important is the ratio of good to bad cholesterol.

I shall remain silent on this point, because I was taught that if you can think of nothing nice to say, you should say nothing at all.