Rapport Myths and Facts
Copyright (c) 2009 Vin DiCarloA word that gets thrown around a lot when guys discuss pickup is "rapport," the idea of forging a connection with a woman you are interested in.Rapport is highly misunderstood. One example of this misunderstanding is the idea that "rapport" is a phase that one goes through, in a chronological process of courtship.This is not completely untrue. Typically when a man and woman meet, the first couple minutes are defined by light, playful give-and-take, followed by more intellectually involved conversation.As the conversation progresses, it becomes more demanding in terms of how much mental effort is required to hold up your end of the interaction.People use terms like "serious" or "deep" or "stimulating" to describe this aspect of a romantically-intended conversation.But this does not define rapport.Rapport is not a part of an interaction. It is not a phase. Nor is it something can be defined beyond one word:Affinity.Affinity: 1. A natural attraction, liking, or feeling of kinship.
2. Relationship by marriage.
3. An inherent similarity between persons or things.We are concerned with the first and third of these definitions.To understand affinity, you must combine these definitions, and also add to the mix, the concept of attraction as defined in the traditional sense - the perception of having value.Keep in mind this is not the functional definition we use in our teachings, but rather the general definition of attraction as it has been understood traditionally.Affinity, when it comes to rapport, is about a) feeling that the other person has value to offer you, and b) you feel that they share with you a fundamental worldview, or basic perception of life.Let's look at what makes someone attractive, i.e. valuable to another.Simply put, if you have the desire to be with someone, to pay attention to them, and have them pay attention to you, then you feel attracted to that person.So what makes you want to spend time with someone?Many things - maybe they can teach you something, or you feel really comfortable around them.Maybe they make you laugh, or they laugh at your jokes more than others - you understand them, and they understand you.Other things are attractive - physical beauty, a perception of "coolness" or style that you envy and would like to incorporate into your own personality - but overall, the most attractive thing one can find in a relationship is understanding.And I think this is what affinity is about, and what rapport is about.There is nothing people seek more than to be understood.What do I mean by "understood"?Let me give you an example that I'm sure you can relate to.I have a friend that is very different from me in terms of lifestyle, looks, even values.And yet when we are together, we "click."I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to the conclusion that this guy and I remain such good friends, despite our differences, because we UNDERSTAND each other.When he cracks a joke, I GET IT. And vice versa.When he is telling a story, or even makes a facial expression, I know why.I know why he is telling the story - I know what he wants to illustrate, what values he is showing, and what topics he enjoys exploring.I know what he means when he glances at someone sideways, or if he looks at me a little too long after I say something ridiculous.What I'm getting at is that, compared to other people in this world, I have a high level of understanding about what is going on in his mind - what his internal mental experience is at any given point in our interactions.This is isn't to say that I can read his mind. No, I mean to say that I can infer what he's thinking to a high degree based on his outer behavior - his facial expressions, choice of words, tonality, and a million other things too subtle and numerous to list.So how does this relate to developing rapport with an attractive woman you just met?You must develop a sense of affinity, or understanding, between the two of you.This requires that you each express yourselves as fully and honestly as possible, without pushing past the tipping point of discomfort.How do you - as the man, as the one in the proactive role - achieve this?It begins with you, as always. But you must also encourage her to mirror your level of [removed]the Fourth Element of Personality for those who've read the Attraction Code).In our Drills Bootcamp, we spend three days drilling into you the mental foci, and verbal habits that create rapport.You see, rapport isn't a place you go, or a phase you check off the list of things to do in a conversation.Rapport is what happens when you and a woman feel a sense of affinity, of understanding, despite your differences, and despite the shortness of time you've known each other.And this understanding can't be forced, only allowed.When a woman feels you understand her, she will feel connected to you, and will want to be with you. But first, you must draw out her honest expression, and convey that you "get" her. Women desperately want a man who will understand them.It's easy when you know what to pay attention to, and can effectively convey this to women.
2. Relationship by marriage.
3. An inherent similarity between persons or things.We are concerned with the first and third of these definitions.To understand affinity, you must combine these definitions, and also add to the mix, the concept of attraction as defined in the traditional sense - the perception of having value.Keep in mind this is not the functional definition we use in our teachings, but rather the general definition of attraction as it has been understood traditionally.Affinity, when it comes to rapport, is about a) feeling that the other person has value to offer you, and b) you feel that they share with you a fundamental worldview, or basic perception of life.Let's look at what makes someone attractive, i.e. valuable to another.Simply put, if you have the desire to be with someone, to pay attention to them, and have them pay attention to you, then you feel attracted to that person.So what makes you want to spend time with someone?Many things - maybe they can teach you something, or you feel really comfortable around them.Maybe they make you laugh, or they laugh at your jokes more than others - you understand them, and they understand you.Other things are attractive - physical beauty, a perception of "coolness" or style that you envy and would like to incorporate into your own personality - but overall, the most attractive thing one can find in a relationship is understanding.And I think this is what affinity is about, and what rapport is about.There is nothing people seek more than to be understood.What do I mean by "understood"?Let me give you an example that I'm sure you can relate to.I have a friend that is very different from me in terms of lifestyle, looks, even values.And yet when we are together, we "click."I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to the conclusion that this guy and I remain such good friends, despite our differences, because we UNDERSTAND each other.When he cracks a joke, I GET IT. And vice versa.When he is telling a story, or even makes a facial expression, I know why.I know why he is telling the story - I know what he wants to illustrate, what values he is showing, and what topics he enjoys exploring.I know what he means when he glances at someone sideways, or if he looks at me a little too long after I say something ridiculous.What I'm getting at is that, compared to other people in this world, I have a high level of understanding about what is going on in his mind - what his internal mental experience is at any given point in our interactions.This is isn't to say that I can read his mind. No, I mean to say that I can infer what he's thinking to a high degree based on his outer behavior - his facial expressions, choice of words, tonality, and a million other things too subtle and numerous to list.So how does this relate to developing rapport with an attractive woman you just met?You must develop a sense of affinity, or understanding, between the two of you.This requires that you each express yourselves as fully and honestly as possible, without pushing past the tipping point of discomfort.How do you - as the man, as the one in the proactive role - achieve this?It begins with you, as always. But you must also encourage her to mirror your level of [removed]the Fourth Element of Personality for those who've read the Attraction Code).In our Drills Bootcamp, we spend three days drilling into you the mental foci, and verbal habits that create rapport.You see, rapport isn't a place you go, or a phase you check off the list of things to do in a conversation.Rapport is what happens when you and a woman feel a sense of affinity, of understanding, despite your differences, and despite the shortness of time you've known each other.And this understanding can't be forced, only allowed.When a woman feels you understand her, she will feel connected to you, and will want to be with you. But first, you must draw out her honest expression, and convey that you "get" her. Women desperately want a man who will understand them.It's easy when you know what to pay attention to, and can effectively convey this to women.
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