After watching with growing interest the clips and trailers promoting the newfangled screen version of ?The Hulk? that were widely distributed months in advance of the movie?s theatrical release, I discovered I?d absolutely no interest in seeing this movie. None whatsoever. I can even recall telling a friend they?d have to pay me to see this movie. Of course then I realized I do get paid for seeing movies (heck of a job, isn?t it?) and gave in and saw the film.

Growing up a fan of the TV show ? and never having picked up a ?Hulk? comic ? I hadn?t the slightest clue that the Hulk was supposed to be larger than life. In my mind, the Hulk has always been the size of the buff and burly Lou Ferrigno. The TV version of The Hulk was so incompatible with the monstrously oversized 2003 movie version that I figured the filmmakers had it all wrong and were screwing up the project. Come to find out, the Hulk from the comics WAS larger than Lou Ferrigno (it was the TV people that messed up, not the filmmakers for once).

Once I came to grips with the idea of a mountain-sized Hulk, then it was much easier to try to like/dislike the movie based solely on the story it tried to tell. And the story part of the film is the part that totally blew it for me. Sitting through an hour of bland dialogue that plods along at a snail?s pace, all I wanted was for the green guy to make a lengthy appearance. It got to the point that I didn?t care whether or not the Hulk?s CGI was believable, whether the edges of the Hulk were blurry, whether or not his massive size remained congruent throughout his scenes, or anything else for that matter.

?Just put him on the screen and forget about the human actors? (this I inwardly screamed so as not to get booted from the theater). His scenes were frantically fun whereas the scenes with his human counterparts were frustratingly slow.

The screen version of ?The Hulk? provides the background story on why mild-mannered scientist Bruce Banner (Eric Bana) transforms into the green beast. Through a series of annoyingly shot flashbacks (director Ang Lee went with the comic book-style panels that just feel intrusive after the first 15 or so minutes), we learn Bruce?s dad (played by Nick Nolte with his infamous 'mug shot' hair) wasn?t such a nice guy. Because of some unauthorized experimentation, Bruce?s DNA is wrong ? all wrong. So wrong that if he gets angry, he becomes a big green fighting machine. Flash forward to contemporary times with Bruce romantically involved with the beautiful Betty Ross (Jennifer Connelly), envied by Glenn Talbot (Josh Lucas), and wanted by the military. As circumstances rile up Bruce, the Hulk emerges to wreak havoc. It then becomes up to the love of a good woman to soothe the savage beast.

Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, and Sam Elliott do a decent job of emoting per the script. Nick Nolte?s character's long speeches left my nerves frayed so much so that even if he?d done an amazing job of delivering the monologues, I wouldn?t have noticed from all the grinding noises coming from my teeth.

But ?The Hulk? isn?t a complete disaster. There are scenes that are truly memorable ? the Hulk vs. the mutated dogs scene springs immediately to mind ? however it flails away at building the story and seems to never quite know what to make of itself. The nearest I could figure out was that it was two separate movies forced together without much glue holding the two in place.

GRADE: D+

"The Hulk" was directed by Ang Lee (full cast and crew list) and is rated PG-13 for sci-fi action violence, some disturbing images and brief partial nudity.