Can You Move On From An Affair?
I often get emails from spouse's who have been devastated by their partner's affair. They often ask me if it's possible to eventually move on and be happy and secure again. They worry that this one mistake has forever affected and even ruined their life. They wonder if they will ever be able to trust their spouse again or if things will ever be the same.
Conversely, I also often hear from the spouse who had the affair. Often, they are sorry for the actions that they now realize that they can't possibly take back. They often wish that they could turn back time and never cheat. But, since that isn't possible, they just want to find a way to get themselves out of the mess that they have created.
But, they sometimes also have conflicting feelings. Their heart and commitment is often with their spouse. Most of them never had any intention whatsoever of ending their marriage. But, the affair seems to be a line that they can't uncross. This has altered them on many levels and they wonder if they will ever be able to move on from this in a meaningful way or if the affair is going to continue to follow them around and negatively affect their live.
What's interesting here is that both the cheated on spouse and the cheating spouse often want the very same things. But, they often do not realize this. Often, both of them will want a resolution that they can live with. They want to be happy in their lives again. They want to stop the awkwardness and the hurt and they want the lives that they feel that they deserve.
It's my experience that both people can move on from an affair and get what they want. Yes, it will take some hard work and a bit of give and take. But, it most certainly can be done. The days and weeks after learning about my husband's affair were among the most difficult in my life. I struggled greatly, but eventually, I was able to slowly reevaluate my life and heal. You can read about my experience here.
The Cheating Spouse Can Move On From An Affair: The cheating spouse often worries that their spouse will never see them in the same way again. They worry that they will forever be punished and reminded of their one mistake. They worry that their spouse will never be able to trust them again. These are certainly valid concerns, but it doesn't have to end up this way. Yes, there is going to be a lot of work ahead and there may well some very hard days. You have a lot of catching up to do. But, this doesn't mean that you can't change and improve things. You absolutely can. I won't lie and say that life was easy for my husband in the months after his affair. There were times when I didn't want him anywhere near me. But, he hung in there and continued to tell me that when I was ready, he was pretty to begin to fix this. Over time, I began to believe him, but this healing was a very gradual process.
The Spouse Who Was Cheated On Can Also Move On From The Affair: As I said, dealing with my husband's affair was so extremely painful. There were days when I didn't even want to get out of bed or even care for my children. But, gradually, I began to become more and more open to trying to restore the marriage. Over time, I began to realize that I didn't want to just throw away all I had built over one mistake.
One thing that helped me tremendously was working on myself as an individual. My self esteem was at an all time low and it was difficult for me to believe what my husband was saying when I had doubts about myself. I think that deep down, I suspected that the affair was somehow my fault (even though I know now that it wasn't.)
The Bottom Line On Moving On From The Affair: Here's the bottom line. If you can get to a place where you know that you conducted yourself with integrity and did all you could, you will generally come to a place where you are more at peace and know that you can handle whatever comes your way. At that point, you actually want to move on because you know that you're looking forward to your future and don't want to live in the past. ???A?t? ?l?e?a?s?t? ???t?h?i?s? ?b?e?c?a?m?e? ?m?y? ?r?e?a?l?i?t?y??.?
Conversely, I also often hear from the spouse who had the affair. Often, they are sorry for the actions that they now realize that they can't possibly take back. They often wish that they could turn back time and never cheat. But, since that isn't possible, they just want to find a way to get themselves out of the mess that they have created.
But, they sometimes also have conflicting feelings. Their heart and commitment is often with their spouse. Most of them never had any intention whatsoever of ending their marriage. But, the affair seems to be a line that they can't uncross. This has altered them on many levels and they wonder if they will ever be able to move on from this in a meaningful way or if the affair is going to continue to follow them around and negatively affect their live.
What's interesting here is that both the cheated on spouse and the cheating spouse often want the very same things. But, they often do not realize this. Often, both of them will want a resolution that they can live with. They want to be happy in their lives again. They want to stop the awkwardness and the hurt and they want the lives that they feel that they deserve.
It's my experience that both people can move on from an affair and get what they want. Yes, it will take some hard work and a bit of give and take. But, it most certainly can be done. The days and weeks after learning about my husband's affair were among the most difficult in my life. I struggled greatly, but eventually, I was able to slowly reevaluate my life and heal. You can read about my experience here.
The Cheating Spouse Can Move On From An Affair: The cheating spouse often worries that their spouse will never see them in the same way again. They worry that they will forever be punished and reminded of their one mistake. They worry that their spouse will never be able to trust them again. These are certainly valid concerns, but it doesn't have to end up this way. Yes, there is going to be a lot of work ahead and there may well some very hard days. You have a lot of catching up to do. But, this doesn't mean that you can't change and improve things. You absolutely can. I won't lie and say that life was easy for my husband in the months after his affair. There were times when I didn't want him anywhere near me. But, he hung in there and continued to tell me that when I was ready, he was pretty to begin to fix this. Over time, I began to believe him, but this healing was a very gradual process.
The Spouse Who Was Cheated On Can Also Move On From The Affair: As I said, dealing with my husband's affair was so extremely painful. There were days when I didn't even want to get out of bed or even care for my children. But, gradually, I began to become more and more open to trying to restore the marriage. Over time, I began to realize that I didn't want to just throw away all I had built over one mistake.
One thing that helped me tremendously was working on myself as an individual. My self esteem was at an all time low and it was difficult for me to believe what my husband was saying when I had doubts about myself. I think that deep down, I suspected that the affair was somehow my fault (even though I know now that it wasn't.)
The Bottom Line On Moving On From The Affair: Here's the bottom line. If you can get to a place where you know that you conducted yourself with integrity and did all you could, you will generally come to a place where you are more at peace and know that you can handle whatever comes your way. At that point, you actually want to move on because you know that you're looking forward to your future and don't want to live in the past. ???A?t? ?l?e?a?s?t? ???t?h?i?s? ?b?e?c?a?m?e? ?m?y? ?r?e?a?l?i?t?y??.?
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