Managing Conflict: Differences in Opinion
Conflicts can arise from the smallest things to more major issues that might have an impact on the couple's finances, health, children, hopes, dreams, and so on.
Most of the time, conflicts occur from opposing or divergent interests, desires, needs, ideas or opinions. Conflicts in relationships can occur when one person wants to go one way and the other person the other way. They also happen when couples have different interests or different drives or opinions about certain matters. How can we manage it when it springs up so that the relationship will not be irrevocably damaged by it?
I've found out that a lot of this can be minimised or resolved before the couple even get married. How? It's really quite simple. You won't eliminate conflict completely, but you'll reduce unecessary occurences of it by seating down together and discussing some issues that you might disagree about. Of course, bear in mind that people can also change with time and exposure to various influences. Change might help you as a couple to agree more about certain things, but conversely, it might cause more disagreements as well.
You need to find out your partner's opinion on some issues that are quite important to you. What's an opinion? It's the view or judgement we've formed about a certain subject. Then you need to work together to ensure that you can come to an agreement in that area.
Does this mean that you'll have to change your opinion of that subject? In some cases, yes. Especially if changing your mind about makes you a better person and helps your relationship. In some other cases, you can maintain your opinion and adjust yourself to your spouse's wishes or desires or, bring them to your own point of view.
I heard of a couple who lived harmoniously together after marriage until the husband took a drastic step in the wife's opinion. Well almost any wife would have agreed with her. He was fed up with the rat race and had aspirations to run his own business and so he quit his job. This wasn't all. He wanted her to quit her job as well so that she would help him with the business. Sounds like he'd gone mad, doesn't it? Quite understandably, she strongly disagreed with him. Who wouldn't? But he insisted that this was what he wanted both of them to do as a couple. Who would you say was right and who would you say was wrong?
Most people I think would lean towards the wife's side. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. But people of an entrepreneuring spirit don't usually see things that way. They are risk takers. That's why they can make huge losses and huge gains. Well, their conflict became so bitter, that he gave her an ultimatum. He told her that he had enough challenges to face trying to make the business work without having to fight another battle in the home front. "Support me in this thing, or let's call our marriage quits", was what he said.
She didn't want to lose her husband, so she did what he asked her to do against her greater judgement and quit her job to help him in the business. Today their business is thriving and they are financially independent. If she had held on to her own opinion, then their marriage may have ended and she would not be enjoying their mutual financial success.
What things are important and what things are not? When it comes to a relationship, somethings that look absolutely insignificant to one person, may be remarkably important to the other. For example, I know someone who insists that his mashed potato, meat, gravy, and vegetables must always be in a particular position on his plate. This seems completely ridiculous to me, but he feels very strongly about it and woe betide his wife if she doesn't put his food in the "proper" positions on his plate.
I know of another couple where the wife insists that they shouldn't receive calls after 10pm. The husband is of a different opinion because he's a gregarious person and has a lot of friends. This alone has caused a lot of conflict in their home. He doesn't see why they can't receive calls from their friends after a certain time and she thinks that he doesn't listen to her.
Resolving conflicts that arise out of a difference in opinions must always start with clear dialogue and communication. Speak AND listen. Find out why the person thinks the way they think about that matter. Say why you think that way about it as well. Don't blame, don't criticise, don't complain. All those things will contaminate your communication and will stop you from reaching an agreement on the matter that will be for your mutual benefits.
Find a common ground in that area. In the case of the couple who disagreed strongly about quitting their jobs and starting a business, the common ground the wife saw was that she didn't want to end their relationship. She focussed on that and adjusted to his ideas and decisions.
This way, you may not changed your mind about the subject, but you can find something about it that you can both agree upon. When this happens you'll be more able to come to a conclusion that will diffuse the conflict, or eliminate it altogether.
Most of the time, conflicts occur from opposing or divergent interests, desires, needs, ideas or opinions. Conflicts in relationships can occur when one person wants to go one way and the other person the other way. They also happen when couples have different interests or different drives or opinions about certain matters. How can we manage it when it springs up so that the relationship will not be irrevocably damaged by it?
I've found out that a lot of this can be minimised or resolved before the couple even get married. How? It's really quite simple. You won't eliminate conflict completely, but you'll reduce unecessary occurences of it by seating down together and discussing some issues that you might disagree about. Of course, bear in mind that people can also change with time and exposure to various influences. Change might help you as a couple to agree more about certain things, but conversely, it might cause more disagreements as well.
You need to find out your partner's opinion on some issues that are quite important to you. What's an opinion? It's the view or judgement we've formed about a certain subject. Then you need to work together to ensure that you can come to an agreement in that area.
Does this mean that you'll have to change your opinion of that subject? In some cases, yes. Especially if changing your mind about makes you a better person and helps your relationship. In some other cases, you can maintain your opinion and adjust yourself to your spouse's wishes or desires or, bring them to your own point of view.
I heard of a couple who lived harmoniously together after marriage until the husband took a drastic step in the wife's opinion. Well almost any wife would have agreed with her. He was fed up with the rat race and had aspirations to run his own business and so he quit his job. This wasn't all. He wanted her to quit her job as well so that she would help him with the business. Sounds like he'd gone mad, doesn't it? Quite understandably, she strongly disagreed with him. Who wouldn't? But he insisted that this was what he wanted both of them to do as a couple. Who would you say was right and who would you say was wrong?
Most people I think would lean towards the wife's side. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. But people of an entrepreneuring spirit don't usually see things that way. They are risk takers. That's why they can make huge losses and huge gains. Well, their conflict became so bitter, that he gave her an ultimatum. He told her that he had enough challenges to face trying to make the business work without having to fight another battle in the home front. "Support me in this thing, or let's call our marriage quits", was what he said.
She didn't want to lose her husband, so she did what he asked her to do against her greater judgement and quit her job to help him in the business. Today their business is thriving and they are financially independent. If she had held on to her own opinion, then their marriage may have ended and she would not be enjoying their mutual financial success.
What things are important and what things are not? When it comes to a relationship, somethings that look absolutely insignificant to one person, may be remarkably important to the other. For example, I know someone who insists that his mashed potato, meat, gravy, and vegetables must always be in a particular position on his plate. This seems completely ridiculous to me, but he feels very strongly about it and woe betide his wife if she doesn't put his food in the "proper" positions on his plate.
I know of another couple where the wife insists that they shouldn't receive calls after 10pm. The husband is of a different opinion because he's a gregarious person and has a lot of friends. This alone has caused a lot of conflict in their home. He doesn't see why they can't receive calls from their friends after a certain time and she thinks that he doesn't listen to her.
Resolving conflicts that arise out of a difference in opinions must always start with clear dialogue and communication. Speak AND listen. Find out why the person thinks the way they think about that matter. Say why you think that way about it as well. Don't blame, don't criticise, don't complain. All those things will contaminate your communication and will stop you from reaching an agreement on the matter that will be for your mutual benefits.
Find a common ground in that area. In the case of the couple who disagreed strongly about quitting their jobs and starting a business, the common ground the wife saw was that she didn't want to end their relationship. She focussed on that and adjusted to his ideas and decisions.
This way, you may not changed your mind about the subject, but you can find something about it that you can both agree upon. When this happens you'll be more able to come to a conclusion that will diffuse the conflict, or eliminate it altogether.
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