I get emails all the time from hockey players (and their parents) for sports psychology advice when they get benched during hockey games.
They are furious and hurt and usually don't know what to do.
The main question they ask is, "I thought my son played a very good game, why was he benched?" To all the parents out there: Whether your son loses confidence in your hockey skills depends on what CONCLUSIONS he draws now.
In the absence of any concrete information, he might conclude, "I'm not good enough" or "I suck.
" Both are very, very bad.
The first way to preserve his confidence is for both of you to understand exactly WHY the coach did not play him.
Talk to the coach together.
Find out what specific TECHNICAL observations about your son led to his decision.
Here's exactly how to do it: 1.
The easiest way to have this conversation is to focus on the future.
You don't want to get labelled a 'problem parent' or your son will pay a price.
Rather than saying, "Why didn't my son get to play?" simply say, "He'd love the opportunity to play in that critical situation.
What does he need to improve to be that go-to guy?" By focusing on the future, you get him to open up.
That's because you're not complaining and criticizing, which everyone hates.
You're just making a simple request for info from a hockey coaching point of view.
When the coach answers, he'll give you the explanation you seek.
Don't argue with him - this will get you nowhere.
Instead, keep asking questions about specifics.
Do NOT walk away until you understand his rationale completely.
Example: "I wanted a player out there who handles the puck really well.
" You: "OK.
Can you tell me specifically what my son needs to work on for better puck possession? For example, is he dumping the puck out of the zone without looking?" Do not let the coach just talk about other players.
If he does, say, "Yes, Jim is great in those situations.
What does my son need to improve on to match Jim's defensive skills?" 2.
Relate to whatever the coach says as a REQUEST, not criticism.
I know you're furious.
And it's just because you love your son and hate seeing him get hurt.
Fair enough.
In the mood you're in, though, you're going to be tempted to hurt the coach back by criticizing him.
While this is natural, the coach will now be angry and might take it out on your son.
Not good.
The best hockey tip I can give you is to relate to his comments as a REQUEST and find out what the coach wants to see from your son.
You may not agree, and he may not be right - but since he's the guy who makes these decisions, unless you have a moral objection of some kind, your son might as well give him what he's asking for.
Plus, the beauty of anger is that your son can USE it.
Rather than turn his anger inward and become depressed and passive, he should channel his anger into his play.
He needs to go out there, be aggressive, and make his point on the ice.
And his point is: "Coach, you're wrong about me!" It's called the challenge response, and every coach loves it.
(Note: I'm talking about 'good' aggressive, where you tap into your pride and play better - not the 'bad' aggressive where you get penalties).
3.
Thank the coach for sharing his input.
Assure him that your son is more than capable of these improvements and you appreciate his honesty.
When you are doing here is setting up the coach to have an open mind in the future about your son.
And, he'll appreciate the maturity you're showing.
4.
Your grace will teach your son how to successfully navigate politics and get what he wants.
I promise your son can get his confidence back--with the right information and focus in practice.
Ignoring what happened won't get him anywhere.
You need to protect your confidence as an athlete, and that's what gathering this information can do for him.
Light it up out there, Lisa